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A recent story in CBCNews (Canada) got one’s attention with the headline “Kids, go to the store: poll says thrice weekly sex saves marriages“. The article reported on a study done in the UK of 3000 adults married for ten or more years. Based on this, it was suggested how often couples need to engage in certain activities to have a healthy marriage. Those numbers were:
That’s a pretty good list. Assuming there is some communication in there, I’d also say it’s a fairly complete list. The real strength of this is that you can’t do those things, in those amounts, if you are angry, distant, or not together enough. Making the time for all of that will greatly benefit your marriage, and if you start to miss those goals, it’s an indication that something is wrong and changes need to be made.
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love and marriage eBay auctions you should keep an eye on:
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In his post Splitting wood, Seth Godin explains that the way to split wood is to aim at the bottom of the piece of wood, not the top. Aim at the finish point, the goal, not the starting point. As Seth said “…don’t focus so much on starting something. It’s the follow through that will get you there, so the beginning must be with the end in mind.”
I see many men making this mistake, some of them repeatedly. They act as if starting something in their marriage is the goal, that just making an effort to do better, be better, or do something they have not been doing, is worthy of praise and love (and sex?). If we had this expectation at work, we would soon be out of a job. No one at work cares about our starting; they care about the end result. If we are great at starting but horrible at follow through, we are useless. If we promise to be on time to work from now on, but fail to do so after a day or two, what does that communicate to our boss and co-workers? Why should marriage be any different?
By the way, if you have a long standing habit of starting and not finishing in your marriage, your bride will, rightly, not expect you to finish the next effort at improvement that you make. Please, DO NOT blame her for this, as you are the one who has shown her this is what to expect. Also, don’t think that finishing something once or twice wipes the slate clean – if you have rarely finished in the past, it will take consistently finishing over time for her to have a reason to think you have changed.
Bottom Line: If you can’t finish, don’t start – it’s like making a promise you know you can’t or won’t keep, and it’s very harmful to your marriage.
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If your gut is telling you something just isn’t right in your relationship – then something is probably not right. But
how many of us have at one time or another ignored the “red flags” waving furiously in front of our faces? Probably a good many of us. Some “red flags” are more serious than others – and the reality is, people can get blinded by emotions to such a degree that major problems are minimized – only to become big time relationship issues down the line.
Here are 4 relationship red flags that would probably be best not to ignore:
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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and author of the Therapy-At-Home Workbooks® series. See more marriage and relationship tips by Lisa.
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What is Premarital Counseling?
Marriage counseling is no longer just for couples who have been together for years. More couples are coming to therapists before they even take their walk down the aisle.
Plenty of couples want to make positive changes to a few aspects of their relationship before they commit to each other for life. There are a few reasons why therapists say they see more couples coming in to their office early on in their relationships.
More couples live together: It has become a social norm for couples to live together long before they make plans to marry. Many view living together as a precursor to what marriage will be like. But, the close quarters also magnify some of the problems in the relationship.
Desire to work out existing problems: Every relationship has its quarrels. More couples are looking to start their lives together with a clean slate and they look to counselors, to help smooth out any existing quarrels before they start their lives together.
Once in premarital counseling, Therapists like to focus on a few key areas that she believes help prepare couples for a strong, lasting union.
Discussing your role: In every relationship, we seem to fall into certain roles. The important question is, do you like the role you are currently in? Do you feel appreciated? This is a great opportunity for each partner to express the changes he would like to see made in the relationship and break himself of any routines he has fallen into.
Love languages: Everyone has their own love language, or way they communicate their adoration for their partner. There are five love languages — touch, gifts, words, acts of service and quality time — that all use different outlets for expressing love. Whether it is through gifts, massages, or compliments, knowing your partner’s love language can give you insight into the way he chooses to show his gratitude towards you.
Communication styles: Most people do not realize the way they sound when they speak towards others. If you have a negative tone to your voice, then that could easily set the pace for how the rest of the conversation is going to go. Therapists work with couples to evaluate the way in which they speak to one another. Too often couple become so comfortable with each other that they begin speaking to each other abrasively without even realizing it.
They also encourage couples to stray away from making demands of one another. Instead, make requests. Ask you partner for help with something as opposed to ordering him around.
Self-care: Even though you are now a part of a couple and are building a life with another person, it is still important to remember that you have to take care of your own needs as well. Don’t lose sight of what makes you happy, she urges. This also includes voicing your own opinions and making reasonable objections. It is okay to disagree with your partner every now and then. The key to avoiding arguments is the way in which you approach the topic.
Additionally premarital counseling is a great way to prepare for the years ahead and the struggles they may bring. Since therapists have met with dozens of married couples, they can often offer great advice for how to handle the first years of marriage and how to emotionally prepare for starting a family.
Linda James is a writer for Yodle, a business directory and online advertising company. Find the ultimate Guide to Marriage and Family Counseling or more Family Care articles at the Yodle Consumer Guide, The Yodler. Also check out What is Premarital Counseling?
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Building here on something I found in Finding inspiration instead of it finding you by Seth Godin.
Seth suggests that inspiration is something we can learn to have on demand. We will it; we make it happen when we need it, rather than waiting until it “strikes”. No doubt, this kind of a paradigm shift requires some hard work at first, but I agree it is possible.
What does this have to do with marriage? I think what can be do the same thing with love, kindness, generosity, and other important acts of marriage – we can learn to will them into being when we want them. Don’t hope they will be there when she needs you to love her, train yourself to have these abilities ready on command.
We think nothing of doing what is needed at work, even when we don’t “feel like it”. Should our bride expect any less of us? I’m not talking about lying or even faking – just do what you know is needed because you love her enough to do so.
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This is a spin-off from Relationships and Currency by Chris Brogan.
Our words and actions are very much the currency of our relationships. Built-up good will can cover us when we blow it, and past poor performance makes it difficult to get excited when we do something right. What’s more, this currency has an expiration date – you can’t just bank some now for when you might need it next year.
The more you do for her, the nicer you are, the more loving things you say, the better your account balance is with her. If, on the other hand, you have been ignoring her for a while, or worse yet being snippy, then your account is overdrawn and you can’t afford much of anything until you do something about that.
And yes, sex requires relationship currency. Not because it’s prostitution, but because it’s a very intimate act that most women neither want nor enjoy if their husband is overdrawn.
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Article of the Month for September 2010 / Also featured in The Toolbox Newsletter
Thriving in Relationships Despite a Painful Past by Jennifer Lehr, MFT
Jennifer Lehr is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, writer and educator, providing individual and couples therapy as well as Life Coaching in Del Mar, California.
Previous Articles of the Month:
Women and Stress: The Two do not Need to go Together by Susan Liddy, MA, PCC, CPCC
Singlehood: How to Prepare and be Ready for Your Next Relationship
Women, Aging, Body Image and Self Acceptance by Esther Kane MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Nurture the Friendship in Your Marriage by Nancy Gump, MFT
Healing from Grief through Acceptance Therapy by Ben Klempner, MSW
Teaching Teens about the Emotional Impact of Intimate Relationships by Esther Boykin, MFT
Is the Economy Hazardous to Your Health? by Matthew Bruhin, MFT
Is Your Relationship Going Through the Terrible Two’s? by Richard Nicastro, PhD
Catch Yourself Being Good by Michael Miller, PhD
3 Quick Ways to Spice up your Sex Life by Mou Wilson, MFT
Extramarital Affair / Infidelity Recovery by James W. Walkup, D.Min, MFT
Do You Need Other’s Approval? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Where Has All the Anger Gone? by John C. Flanagan, LCSW
Relationship Alert! Don’t Ignore the Warning Signs! by Rod Louden, MFT
6 Tips for Talking About Money Effectively by Dr. James Walkup, D. Min.
Stress and the Economy by Sherry Gaba, LCSW
Safety and Reactivity in Relationships by Jennifer Lehr, MFT
A Simple Formula to Keep Love and Intimacy Alive by Richard Nicastro, PhD
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This defines how anger came about, How Anger is displayed and what is the truth about physical abuse (this truth about that will lead to dealing with it)
Video Rating: 5 / 5
There was this bird, crawling around..
