03 Sep

For a good marriage you need 4-3-3-2-2

Posted by: marriage_advisor


A recent story in CBCNews (Canada) got one’s attention with the headline “Kids, go to the store: poll says thrice weekly sex saves marriages“. The article reported on a study done in the UK of 3000 adults married for ten or more years. Based on this, it was suggested how often couples need to engage in certain activities to have a healthy marriage.  Those numbers were:

  • Kiss 4 times a day
  • Cuddle 3 times a day
  • Have sex 3 times a week
  • Share 2 hobbies
  • Have 2 romantic dinners a month

That’s a pretty good list. Assuming there is some communication in there, I’d also say it’s a fairly complete list. The real strength of this is that you can’t do those things, in those amounts, if you are angry, distant, or not together enough. Making the time for all of that will greatly benefit your marriage, and if you start to miss those goals, it’s an indication that something is wrong and changes need to be made.

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02 Sep

Splitting wood, all the way to the bottom

Posted by: marriage_advisor


In his post Splitting wood, Seth Godin explains that the way to split wood is to aim at the bottom of the piece of wood, not the top. Aim at the finish point, the goal, not the starting point. As Seth said “…don’t focus so much on starting something. It’s the follow through that will get you there, so the beginning must be with the end in mind.”

I see many men making this mistake, some of them repeatedly. They act as if starting something in their marriage is the goal, that just making an effort to do better, be better, or do something they have not been doing, is worthy of praise and love (and sex?). If we had this expectation at work, we would soon be out of a job. No one at work cares about our starting; they care about the end result. If we are great at starting but horrible at follow through, we are useless. If we promise to be on time to work from now on, but fail to do so after a day or two, what does that communicate to our boss and co-workers? Why should marriage be any different?

By the way, if you have a long standing habit of starting and not finishing in your marriage, your bride will, rightly, not expect you to finish the next effort at improvement that you make. Please, DO NOT blame her for this, as you are the one who has shown her this is what to expect. Also, don’t think that finishing something once or twice wipes the slate clean – if you have rarely finished in the past, it will take consistently finishing over time for her to have a reason to think you have changed.

Bottom Line: If you can’t finish, don’t start – it’s like making a promise you know you can’t or won’t keep, and it’s very harmful to your marriage.

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01 Sep

Warning! 4 Relationship Red Flags not to Ignore

Posted by: marriage_advisor


If your gut is telling you something just isn’t right in your relationship – then something is probably not right.  ButWarning! 4 Relationship Red Flags not to Ignore - Relationship Tips/Tools how many of us have at one time or another ignored the “red flags” waving furiously in front of our faces?  Probably a good many of us.  Some “red flags” are more serious than others – and the reality is, people can get blinded by emotions to such a degree that major problems are minimized – only to become big time relationship issues down the line. 

Here are 4 relationship red flags that would probably be best not to ignore:

  1. Explosive Anger.  This anger may eventually be directed towards you – and be dangerous.
  2. Lies.  How can you develop trust with someone who often doesn’t tell the truth?
  3. Belittling and Sarcasm.  The long term effect of this behavior is a whittling down of your self esteem.
  4. Alcohol / Substance Abuse.  If your partner admits there’s a problem then perhaps this can be worked on.  But if not, beware as this can be a slippery slope that has the potential to impact everything.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a couples therapist and author of the Therapy-At-Home Workbooks® series.  See more marriage and relationship tips by Lisa.

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01 Sep

Loving on demand – a needed paradigm shift

Posted by: marriage_advisor


Building here on something I found in Finding inspiration instead of it finding you by Seth Godin.

Seth suggests that inspiration is something we can learn to have on demand. We will it; we make it happen when we need it, rather than waiting until it “strikes”. No doubt, this kind of a paradigm shift requires some hard work at first, but I agree it is possible.

What does this have to do with marriage? I think what can be do the same thing with love, kindness, generosity, and other important acts of marriage – we can learn to will them into being when we want them. Don’t hope they will be there when she needs you to love her, train yourself to have these abilities ready on command.

We think nothing of doing what is needed at work, even when we don’t “feel like it”. Should our bride expect any less of us? I’m not talking about lying or even faking – just do what you know is needed because you love her enough to do so.


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31 Aug

Your account is overdrawn

Posted by: marriage_advisor


This is a spin-off from Relationships and Currency by Chris Brogan.

Our words and actions are very much the currency of our relationships. Built-up good will can cover us when we blow it, and past poor performance makes it difficult to get excited when we do something right. What’s more, this currency has an expiration date – you can’t just bank some now for when you might need it next year.

The more you do for her, the nicer you are, the more loving things you say, the better your account balance is with her. If, on the other hand, you have been ignoring her for a while, or worse yet being snippy, then your account is overdrawn and you can’t afford much of anything until you do something about that.

And yes, sex requires relationship currency. Not because it’s prostitution, but because it’s a very intimate act that most women neither want nor enjoy if their husband is overdrawn.

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31 Aug

In the Spotlight – Jennifer Lehr, MFT

Posted by: marriage_advisor


Article of the Month for September 2010 / Also featured in The Toolbox Newsletter

 Thriving in Relationships Despite a Painful Past by Jennifer Lehr, MFT

Jennifer Lehr is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,  writer and educator, providing individual and couples therapy as well as Life Coaching in Del Mar, California.

 

Previous Articles of the Month:

Women and Stress:  The Two do not Need to go Together by Susan Liddy, MA, PCC, CPCC

Singlehood:  How to Prepare and be Ready for Your Next Relationship

Women, Aging, Body Image and Self Acceptance by Esther Kane MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor

Nurture the Friendship in Your Marriage by Nancy Gump, MFT

Healing from Grief through Acceptance Therapy by Ben Klempner, MSW 

Teaching Teens about the Emotional Impact of Intimate Relationships by Esther Boykin, MFT

Is the Economy Hazardous to Your Health? by Matthew Bruhin, MFT

Is Your Relationship Going Through the Terrible Two’s? by Richard Nicastro, PhD

Catch Yourself Being Good by Michael Miller, PhD

3 Quick Ways to Spice up your Sex Life by Mou Wilson, MFT

Extramarital Affair / Infidelity Recovery by James W. Walkup, D.Min, MFT

Do You Need Other’s Approval? by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Where Has All the Anger Gone? by John C. Flanagan, LCSW

Relationship Alert! Don’t Ignore the Warning Signs! by Rod Louden, MFT

6 Tips for Talking About Money Effectively by Dr. James Walkup, D. Min.

Stress and the Economy by Sherry Gaba, LCSW

Safety and Reactivity in Relationships by Jennifer Lehr, MFT

A Simple Formula to Keep Love and Intimacy Alive by Richard Nicastro, PhD

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31 Aug

Relationship Advice: Should I Pick My Man or My Career Opportunity?

Posted by: marriage_advisor


I’ve been with my man for 2 years now but for the second year I been out of town at a trade school. I have the opportunity to furtherAsk the Therapist - A Marriage and Relationship Advice Blog my education for free but I would have to go out of state. He says that he’s starting to get depressed and cant take not being with me any more. He says he wants me come back home. Should I go back home to him like my heart is telling me or go to advanced training like I want to do?

LISA’S RELATIONSHIP ADVICE:

I think sometimes we need to pull the lens back on our situations to determine the right path for us. Ask yourself what the long term consequences of each action might be and whether you’re ok with them. Sometimes relationships are put the “the test” when one partner has to leave for a period of time, whether it be to school, a military deployment or other life events. If you are building a foundation for your career future – is this something you’re willing to give up? Is it possible if you made this decision, you’d carry resentment towards him and regret the decision?

When I work with couples, I encourage them to strike a balance together and be supportive of the other’s hopes, dreams and goals – which sometimes by default can put strain on the relationship temporarily. (See my article, Is Your Relationship Out of Balance?)  A solid relationship foundation can withstand it but not without work. Being apart is hard on couples and requires extra effort to stay connected.

Talk to him about his insecurities around you being gone and ways you could help relieve them but still develop yourself. On the other hand, if the trade school isn’t that important to you and there are other options – then maybe you can explore them.

Regardless, try to stay focused on the “big picture” and remain sensitive to his feelings while validating your own wants and needs too.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is a therapist, writer and creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com, with marriage and relationship articles, tips, tools and advice. Learn how to ask Lisa for relationship advice.  

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30 Aug

Childhood Experience and Adult Anxiety

Posted by: marriage_advisor


mental-health-article-childhood-experiences-adult-anxietyThere are many types of adult anxiety . The anxiety disorder I’ve had the most contact with in my experience as a therapist is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and from here on when I speak of “anxiety” I will be referring to this. I believe that people’s emotional and/or psychological distress as adults can partially be the result of problematic core beliefs developed in early childhood. A primary hallmark of GAD is pervasive worry. “Fear of the fear” is how some of my clients have described the feeling. If I look back far enough in a client’s history I’ve often found a childhood experience laced with chaos, high expectations and/or a highly anxious parent.

When children are born into this world, they are physical beings with no developed sense of self. Young infants begin to develop their core self as they interact with their primary caretakers. Ideally, their nest is a safe, loving and attentive one where secure attachment is established. It’s in this nest they can begin to believe that they will get their needs met and they have value – what they do impacts the world. This is the beginning of a very healthy self concept – or relationship to self. If all things are right, the growing infant will also develop the idea that others can be trusted. Barring any seriously negative life experience along the way, the baby becomes a toddler who becomes a child who becomes an adult with good feelings about his place in the world. “I am lovable,” might be a core belief born out of this situation. Other possible healthy core beliefs are, “people can be trusted,” or, “the world is a safe place.”

Children who are raised in a physically, emotionally or sexually abusive environment live in a state of chaos. My clients have reported to feel like they were “walking on eggshells,” just waiting for the next event. This creates a pervasive fear or constant fight-or-flight response. A common core belief developed by children in this situation is, “something bad is going to happen.” Children are genius at finding ways to defend themselves psychologically from uncomfortable situations so they become hypervigilant, constantly scanning their environment for danger and adopt danger avoiding behaviors. This belief system can follow children as they develop into adults who then walk through my office door complaining of constant worry, rumination, sleep disturbances and trouble concentrating. They’re still operating under the belief system that “something bad” will happen to them! The belief system developed in their chaotic childhood environment has remained with them. Do they still need the protective shield they used as children? If the person is recapitulating the abusive dynamic in their current relationships, then maybe, “yes.” But I’ve found that more times than not, they are operating under a belief that no longer applies to their environment but is only causing them unnecessary distress.

People who’ve lived in a home with high expectations from their parents can also develop problematic core beliefs. Parents who push kids to achieve need to be careful not to be sending the message, “My love is conditional on what you do.” This can yield a child who believes that he/she must perform or do something really well to be accepted. After all, the most important people in the world to children are their parents. It would make perfect sense that they’d do anything they could do be loved and accepted! A core belief that the child can adopt and be distressing to them throughout their life is, “I am lovable for what I do not who I am.” What a set-up! How can anyone do things well enough constantly to get the validation they need under these circumstances? Adults who suffer anxiety symptoms often struggle with perfectionism, or the need to reach the highest possible bar. Clients I’ve had with this situation complain of feeling like they’re on a “hamster wheel” and that it’s never enough. Often they come to me physically and emotionally exhausted.

Children who grew up with anxious parents almost can’t help internalizing a certain amount of anxiety themselves. We model so much of the behaviors we see from our primary caretakers, learn about how to be in relationship, how to interact with others and the world. Those who had a highly anxious mother are particularly susceptible to having their own anxiety disorders. Infants are more tuned in to their mother’s state of being than we think – they can pick up information from the quality or quantity of touch, attention, energy in the room, etc.

Problematic belief systems developed in childhood can be challenged and the symptoms around them (anxiety) can be decreased and distinguished all together. The way that I’ve found that works for me is to understand the source (family of origin or other significant life events), develop empathy and validation for the adult’s experience at that time, normalize the defenses erected as protective measures in a vulnerable environment, reframe the core beliefs about self and teach cognitive-behavioral skills such as identifying and disrupting irrational thinking styles. A helpful way to conceptualize this is to separate the adult experience from the child’s – and identify the idea that they both reside within the client! I often will ask, “When you experiencing all that reactivity, who’s driving the bus, the adult or the child?” I’ve never heard anyone tell me that their adult rational mind was in charge at that moment. Honoring the child’s experience and normalizing the development of these unhelpful belief systems can also help lead to the resolution of anxiety. If symptoms are significantly impacting the client, medication management can be a good partner to the previously described therapy.

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Lisa Brookes Kift is a psychotherapist in Marin County, California.  See more anxiety articles by Lisa and other therapy professionals in The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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30 Aug

What business gurus can teach us about marraige

Posted by: marriage_advisor


Two of the blogs I regularly read to give me inspiration for what I write here are Chris Brogan and Seth Godin. These two business blogs rarely show up in my Sunday links because Seth and Chris don’t write about marriage – but much of what they write easily applies to marriage.

The next few days I am going to use posts made by Chris and Seth as a jumping off place for marriage tips. For today, I’d like you to think about how you treat your bride versus how you treat your co-workers, subordinates, bosses, customer, clients, suppliers and other business contacts. Do you treat business contacts better than you treat your bride? If you treated business contacts the way you treat your bride, would it hurt your business, cost you a promotion, or even get you fired? If the answer is yes, what do you think that kind of treatment is doing to your bride, and to your marriage?

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29 Aug

Don’t Blame God

Posted by: marriage_advisor


A few phrases I hear that drive me crazy, and what I usually don’t say in reply:

“I know it will work out, because God would not have put me into this if He was not going to get me out.“
Maybe God did not put you there; maybe it was your doing.

“God only gives us what we can handle.“
Unfortunately, most of us have a bad habit of biting off more than we can chew, and then blaming it on God.

“God’s Word shall not return void.“
This is used to claim that a prayer will be answered as we prayed it, or sharing the Gospel will result in salvation. This seems more like witchcraft to me. The scripture that is misquoted here is from Isaiah, and it’s about the words God speaks, not what we say:

“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”[Isaiah 55:11 NKJV]

“It’s a sign.”
You can make anything a sign. Some folks live their life by perceived signs, and make a mess of things.

“I’m waiting for a sign.“
Jesus had some rude words for those who are looking for signs.

“I don’t know why He led me into that deal/choice that cost me a million dollars/my house/my marriage, but I know it was Him.“
Or, maybe your pride won’t let you admit you made a mistake?

Basically all of these have a way of putting on God things that are often not God’s doing. These are ways of excusing our errors, justifying our actions, or allowing us to feel good about continuing to do something that is somewhere between silly and suicidal.

In addition, just once I would like to hear someone say “I thought it was God, but now I know I was wrong.” I have had people continue to say something was God when it so clearly was not, and it’s just annoying!

Just to pretend this rant is marriage related ;-)   Do you ever use God to cover your mistakes with your bride? I’m pretty sure that is a good way to get in bad with both of them!

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Better Husbands and Fathers

The Sexually Unavailable Wife: A very good guest post by Julie Sibert of Intimacy In Marriage.

Black and Married with Kids

Whatever You Dwell on Will GROW: Another outstanding post by Harriet Hairston. Adding Harriet to my list of people I want to meet.
Kiss Your Spouse!: Can’t argue with the need for more spouse kissing!
VIDEO: Trinity UCC Married Couples Ministry Dance Shuts It Down!!!: Real couples (some married over 40 years) showing their love in a choreographed dance. I’m not big on watching dance, but the love I saw in this was awesome!

Gwen in Love

The Five Love Languages: A video clip of Gary Chapman talking about his book. (BTW, I will do a follow up on comments made on my recent post about The Five Love Languages .)

Happily Married After

The Finance Meeting: Do you have a regular financial meeting at home? Maybe you should!

Journey to Surrender

Man Up Monday – Letter to a Weary Husband: Scott has gone past talking to himself, and is now writing to himself. The result is worth reading.
To The Wife of a Weary Husband: Now Scott’s alter ego has a wife, and the letter to her is also good reading.

Marriage Gems

Stop Annoying Me, Dear!: A video that will make you think more of your bride and less of her beautiful imperfections.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?: Lori Lowe has more stats – this time on the efficacy of marriage counselling.
How Do You Define Intimacy?: Lori discusses the book I will be reading on a plane today – 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage

ONE Extraordinary Marriage

Your Marriage – Michelle & Rich Bass: A guest post on blended families.

The Romantic Vineyard

A Walk Through The Vineyard: The start of a new series applying the fruit of the Spirit to marriage.
Project 52: Tom’s Turn: Once again Tom shows he knows how to wow his bride. Take notes, gents.

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